I HAVE IT BUT I DON’T WANT IT!
Categories: Personal
Written By: nosizwe
“If you have it flaunt it” But how do you begin flaunting it if it’s the one thing between you and your happiness, the one thing between you and your dream? How do you flaunt the one thing you hate about yourself?
I’m roughly 46 kilograms, 1.6 meters tall, I hate having to go to the scale. Hate everyone who makes positive comments about my body. People comment about it almost everyday telling its ‘sexy, beautiful and they would love to have it’. Every time people make the comments I just put a smile on my face and pretend to be grateful for their comments. Hiding what I really feel.
Every time I see an advert on the television about how one can loose weight, be lighter, basically have what I have, tears, anger, hatred pile up inside. I ask myself why they have to talk about the one thing I dream about as if its trash, as if having it is a sin. I stare at the screen dreaming about how I would look if I were the one who had that weight.
I’ve tried everything I can think of in order to gain some weight but nothing works, for me. I always end up with the same size as before. I go to bed every night with the same dream: gaining some weight. Then wake up in the morning only to realize that it was just a dream, just like I always do every morning.
Every night I go to bed I don’t want to fall asleep because I don’t want to dream about the same thing as last night. Every morning I don’t want to open my eyes I’m still the same person I was yesterday. I don’t want to see anyone because if I do I have to put on a mask (smile) every time someone looks at me, so that they don’t see how I really feel inside.
I’m not going to lie I’ve thought about committing suicide, most of the times I think about it. What is the use of living a life you don’t want to live? What’s the point of being the one person you hate the most in this world? Why torture myself? I could end this, leave it all behind and go to the most peaceful place ever, I thought.
But hey I’m still living, but with mountains of anger, piles and piles of hatred inside me. Rivers of tears flood up inside me, still. I still dream, I still fear entering my dream world, fear living my own life. Still questioning my existence, still have to wear a mask before I see anyone. Most of all I still want to end it all. But I haven’t, what am I still doing in this world? I still have the same questions I had since, I don’t remember when. HOW DO I FLAUNT IT IF I DON’T WANT IT?
May 30th, 2009 at 9:12 am
Nosiswe
You are a beautiful, sensitive and intelligent girl. Please don’t let these negative thoughts get the better of you. You have your whole life in front of you. And just like your body will change over time, so will your thoughts. Make sure you focus on what you can be grateful for rather than focusing on what gets you down. And remember your are special and so much more than just your body.
Thank you for sharing your story. That was very brave of you. I admire you for that and believe in you.
Lots of love
Annelize
May 30th, 2009 at 9:13 am
Hi! Sexy gal
My name aviwe , the main reason i am replying is becouse i don’t get your story’s meaning. I mean u are a sexy,beautiful & intellegent gal , and your body is perfect the way and trust me i am a guy.
Please get that idea off your mind .
May 30th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Yhoo!! joe u rock, u make my head spin,u force me 2 buy a parket of grandpa but your article is quit good and I want u 2 know the coments we give are true .
I GIVE YOU THIS TIP NEVER HIDE YOUR FEELINGS.
May 30th, 2009 at 9:25 am
Hi Nosizwe.
There is nothing wrong with your body. The problem is with your self-image. To change this will take time. But start off by standing in front of the mirror each morning and tell yourself you are beautiful as you are, because you are created just as God/Jah intended.
I pray that one day you will see yourself as we see you.
Blessings
Ntk
May 30th, 2009 at 9:46 am
cmon girl u r very beautiful stop torturing urself with nothing that u don’t. let those negative words go away. because u r the opposite of u just said.
ciao!!!!!!
May 30th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Hi! gal u make my head spin, u force me 2 buy a parket of grandpa but your story is good as well as your body , sexy and beautiful.You really have it gal.You have the body,the brain I mean u have everything keep up your good work.
publish more stories as well as your pictures.
your big fan
Sonwabile (charmer boy)
May 30th, 2009 at 9:59 am
love doll
Get those thoughts out of that small head of yours because they are not gud at all, u knw. You knw tat we lv you the way you are and your body is very much perfect for you and love it, just remember tat ok?
lots of love, cioa!
May 30th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Hi Nosie
I really love your story, to me you look very lovely, and I like your body, I am sure that in no time you will see the same, you have many oportunities to become a model one day.
Mkhuseli
May 31st, 2009 at 5:31 am
[...] This gorgeous girl, Nosizwe…one of our new studentsforhumanity members has shared her story with the world today. It is touching. studentsforhumanity.com/2009/05/30/i-have-it-but-i-don%E2… [...]
June 1st, 2009 at 1:33 am
Hey there
In life, we tend to focus on the little things that we do not have and spend our lives wishing we were other people. I have been there, I know how it feels. Sure I am not like you in weght but sometimes I do get the feeling and inner voice that just wonders how my life would be like if I looked a certain way.
All I can say to you is that, God created you in a certain way for a reason. Do not look at the way you look and think of it as a curse but, look at it as a way that you were meant to be.
You are beautiful the way you are and I am sure you have someone out there who thinks you are perfect the way you are… Just for him…
Keep smiling and enjoying life… Thats why you were born anyway
Peace out
Zukile Senhour SirNgciz
June 7th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Dear dear Nosizwe,
I have read you story. First of all let me say to you that you are a gorgeous girl. Can you explain to me a little bit more about your feelings? It is obvious to me that you want to gain a little bit of weight. Is it that the way you are looking right now, you don’t feel beautiful? Or is it that you do feel that you are looking good, but that you just really dislike the comments people have about you?
One of my dearest friends from high school, has always been very very thin. She is very beautiful, but she just became so tired of the people that thought that she was not eating enough, or eating bad quality foods. Now that we have grown older she is at peace with her body. As said, she is gorgeous and many are jealous of her, but it just took her quite some years to except her thinness and the comments everyone as having, even all the flattering ones.. Might seem strange to people that wanna loose weight, but being really thin isn’t always easy too!! Trust me, once you get a little older, you will gain some weight. And although it might not be much, maybe also with the years, you’ll recognize your own beauty!! I think almost NO ONE I know, felt at ease with their body at the age you are now!!
Many greetings,
Klaartje
June 10th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Dear Nosiswe,
Your story touches my heart very deeply. Right now I’m in a very similar sad situation when I don’t really like my existence..but when I read your cry of despair, I wished thousand times I had such a problem like you.. wish I could have such a perfect body (I INSIST on-PERFECT), like you do… wish I was even fatter 100 times than you but could move and run…:( Unfortunately my dream to walk and move will only come true in the heaven…and you tell you don’t want to wake up and put that mask of a happy girl on your face.. I feel absolutely the same, honey. But still I carry on. I live and try to be happy even it’s so hard sometimes because of the physical and soul pain I’m feeling now… but you–I’m sorry for sounding a little rude-I think you’re a little bit silly…You have got such a beautiful face, body and might be I have not got a clue but I can’t see any weight you should lose….Anyway, if you don’t like your body, please imagine a girl with a height of a little bit more than 1 meter and 45 kg with her hands and legs dislocated because of a severe disease and totally unable to make a normal step, to run and who feels pain most of the time….I guess if you felt what I have to feel-you would never dare complain any more…I’m sorry-feel free to be angry with me or just ignore my words, but I see NO reasons for you to suffer. The only thing you should improve is-GET RID OF ILLUSIONS! Everyone is different and you’re unique…. Don’t compare yourself with anyone.. TV starts are TV starts. But you are you…And you’re wonderful! I’m sure you’ll be happy. Just believe in yourself. I’ll pray for you. And remember-life is not a sweet candy sometimes, but it’s we who can add some sugar. Just treasure what you have. Maybe you think I can’t compare your problem with mine, but I wish SO much I could have yours.
Take care and be happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lots of love your way,
Daria
June 13th, 2009 at 4:35 am
hallo Daria
your comment really touched me, but i think theres something u really didn’t get, i dnt want to loose waght but i would vreally love to gain some but anyway when i read ur comment you made me realise that i should apreciate what i have and try to live with it. even though our sittuations are not the same i do feel for. evrytm youb put a smile on your face knw that nosizwe is smiling wwith you and you are really special to me…. wsh we could keep in touch!!
lots of hugs and love
Nosizwe
June 13th, 2009 at 4:39 am
halo evryone
thank you very much for all your comment n advice. i try to all you adviced me to but i’m not gonna fall inlove wth my body within a day, its gonna take time.
thank you n lots of love
Nosizwe
June 15th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Dear Nosizwe,
Well, if you really would like to keep in touch, let’s! 
You may write me at dariasukach@gmail.com
You’re a very pretty girl, but most of all your heart must be golden. 
Thank you!
I also use Skype, so we may meet there as well.
I’m sorry for misunderstanding, I realized it after posting..
Hope to hear from you, sweetheart!
Daria
June 27th, 2009 at 6:07 am
My friend you still living because God want you to live.You want to be someone important,someone who will bring positive attitude and now girl you busy convising yourself that you are not sexy.Nosizwe you are the most beautiful lady I know my friend, why torture yourself when you can flaunt it.If will it make you feel better eat healthy as much as you can but remember you are stunning and sexy is not the word,you are beyond sexy girlfriend.”Flaunt it girly,come on show them what you are made off” Miss Mavundla always say so and hey, she knows what she is talking about so FLAUNT IT GIRLY!
July 1st, 2009 at 1:08 am
Hi Nosizwe, Do you know how many wish to have your size? Do not measure ur happiness or urself with the way you look. what matters most, is the person inside the real Nosizwe do u know how beautiful and smart is the person. have some time to ur self and talk to that inner person u will be suprised!!:” I have it, but I won’t allow it to define myself”
Lots of love
Kolly
July 4th, 2009 at 6:14 am
girl all i can say we are born/made differently. each is unique by their own way. i, myself has some days whereby i feel that world owes me something, i ask myself; why did i have to like this? but i realised that i may not be “cute” “sexy” whatsoever but i got what it takes to be myself and who i want to be. all in all don’t let the outer you destroy the inner you
August 1st, 2009 at 8:10 am
i want to take this time to thank you all for taking the time to read my story. u have no idea what it means to me that you actually took time and read the story even if you didn’t leave a comment and if you did its much appreciated
love
nosizwe
October 24th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
hi Nosie.u hav no idea how mch i wud like to have your body.your situation is mild.Even though i am 17 i have the body of a 23year old.Sure i might have curves at the right places but still that doesnt make me feel better.People say my mom is my sister and when i am with my dad they think he is my brother or even worse.. . . . . .my boyfriend. People think that i work and not a school goer.I hate myself!